The Messy Middle of Healing: Why You're Not Failing, You're Still Growing
What to do when you've come so far but you're still struggling and why that's actually okay
Today I want to talk about something that doesn't get discussed enough the messy middle of your healing journey.
That space where:
You're not where you were, but you're not where you want to be yet
You've done so much work, made so much progress, but you're still struggling
You're not broken anymore, but you're not completely healed either
You're in the middle. And it's messy. And it's uncomfortable. And it's confusing.
And I think we need to talk about it because so much of the healing narrative focuses on two points: rock bottom and transformation. The before and after. The broken version and the healed version.
But nobody talks about the long, complicated middle part. The part where most of us actually live most of the time.
So let's talk about the messy middle. Because if you're there right now, I need you to know—you're not failing. You're just in the middle.
What the Messy Middle Looks Like
Let me tell you what the messy middle looks like because I think we need to normalize this.
You've done so much work on yourself. You've:
Broken cycles
Set boundaries
Built a life you're proud of
Made real, tangible progress
And also you still have bad days. You still:
Get triggered
Struggle with things you thought you'd moved past
Have moments where you question if you made the right choices
Carry wounds that haven't completely closed
You're not where you were. But you're also not "done." And that's okay.
Because here's what I'm realizing: healing isn't a destination. It's not a place you arrive at and then you're done. It's not like you do the work, check all the boxes, and then you get to be "healed" and never struggle again.
Healing is:
Ongoing
Layered
Cyclical
You work through something, you feel better, you think you've got it figured out and then something happens and you realize there's another layer to process. Another wound to tend to. Another pattern to break.
And that doesn't mean you're not making progress. It doesn't mean the work you've done doesn't count. It doesn't mean you're failing at healing.
It just means you're in the middle. And the middle is where most of the actual work happens.
The Reality of the Messy Middle
Let's talk about what the messy middle actually looks like, because I think we need to normalize this:
The messy middle is:
Having good weeks followed by hard days and not understanding why you seem to have "regressed"
Feeling proud of how far you've come one moment and completely overwhelmed by how far you still have to go the next moment
Setting boundaries with confidence sometimes and feeling guilty about those same boundaries other times
Knowing intellectually that you did the right thing but still feeling emotionally conflicted about it
Having moments of clarity and peace followed by moments of doubt and chaos
Feeling strong enough to help others while still working through your own stuff
Being functional and successful in some areas of your life while still being a mess in other areas
Discovering new layers of your story that you weren't ready to see before—realizations that change how you understand your past, that add complexity to narratives you thought were simple
It's being both the person who's come so far and the person who's still healing at the same time.
Why the Messy Middle Is So Hard
And here's what makes the messy middle so hard: it doesn't fit the narrative we've been sold about healing.
We see:
The before-and-after stories
The "I was broken and now I'm whole" testimonials
The "I did the work and now I'm healed" success stories
And those stories are real and valid and important.
But they're not the whole picture. They skip over the middle. The long, unglamorous, confusing middle where:
You're doing the work
You are making progress
But you don't feel healed yet
And you don't know when you will
And you're starting to wonder if you're doing something wrong
What the Messy Middle Has Taught Me About Healing
Let me tell you what the messy middle has taught me about healing.
1. Progress Is Not Linear
I thought healing would be a steady upward trajectory that once I started doing the work, I would just keep getting better and better in a straight line.
But it's not like that at all.
Some weeks I feel amazing. I feel strong, confident, healed. And then something triggers me and I'm right back in old patterns, old feelings, old wounds I thought I'd already processed.
And for a long time, I interpreted that as failure. I thought, "I should be past this by now. Why am I still struggling with this? Haven't I already dealt with this?"
But now I understand: that's not regression. That's just how healing works.
It's a spiral, not linear. You circle back to the same wounds at different levels, processing them more deeply each time. You're not going backwards you're going deeper.
And sometimes, as you heal and gain new perspective, you see things about your past that you couldn't see before. Things that were too painful or too complicated to acknowledge when you were just trying to survive.
That doesn't mean you were wrong before it means you're ready to see more of the truth now.
2. You Can Be Healing and Still Struggling at the Same Time
This was a big one for me. I thought healing meant not struggling anymore. I thought once I'd "done the work," I would just feel better all the time.
But that's not realistic.
Healing doesn't mean:
You never have hard days
You never get triggered
You never doubt yourself or feel sad or struggle with old patterns
Healing means:
You have more awareness now
You recognize the patterns when they show up
You can work through the hard moments instead of being consumed by them
The struggles don't last as long or hit as hard
But the struggles still exist. And that's okay. That's not a sign that your healing isn't working. That's just a sign that you're human.
3. There's No Timeline for Healing
Nobody can tell you how long this should take. Nobody can tell you when you should be "over it" or "done" processing. There's no deadline for healing. There's no point where you should have it all figured out.
I used to compare myself to other people. "They went through trauma and they seem fine now. Why am I still struggling? What's taking me so long?"
But everyone's healing journey is different. Everyone's:
Trauma is different
Nervous system is different
Resources and support systems are different
Your healing is going to take as long as it takes. And that's not a failure. That's just your unique journey.
4. The Messy Middle Is Where the Real Transformation Happens
The beginning of healing is often about survival getting out, getting safe, starting to acknowledge what happened. And hopefully there's a place further along where you're living your life with the wisdom you've gained from your healing.
But the middle? The middle is where you're doing the actual work. Where you're:
Facing the hard stuff
Sitting with uncomfortable feelings and uncomfortable truths
Breaking patterns in real-time
Learning who you are without the trauma defining you
Seeing your story more clearly, even when that clarity is painful
The middle is where you're building the person you're becoming.
And it's messy because:
Growth is messy
Change is messy
Becoming is messy
And sometimes, understanding more of your truth is messy
What We Need to Hear in the Messy Middle
Here's what I think we need to hear when we're in the messy middle:
You don't have to have it all figured out. You don't have to be "done" healing to be worthy. You don't have to be the polished, transformed version of yourself to matter.
You can be in the middle still working through stuff, still having hard days, still figuring it out, still discovering new layers of your story and that's enough. You're enough. Right now. In the mess. In the middle.
Your value isn't contingent on being completely healed.
You Can Still Help Others
And here's something else: being in the messy middle doesn't mean you can't help other people. It doesn't mean you can't share your story. It doesn't mean you don't have wisdom to offer.
Some of the most powerful perspectives come from people who are still in their own messy middle. Because they get it. They understand the struggle.
They're not speaking from some distant place of "I'm all healed now" they're speaking from the reality of still figuring it out.
There's authenticity in the messy middle. There's honesty in saying, "I don't have this all figured out, but here's what I'm learning. Here's what's helping. Here's what I'm working through."
What to Do When You're in the Messy Middle
So what do we do when we're in the messy middle and it feels like too much?
1. Stop Comparing Yourself to the "After" Photos
We stop:
Measuring our progress against someone else's highlight reel
Expecting ourselves to be further along than we are
We meet ourselves where we actually are, not where we think we should be.
2. Acknowledge the Progress You Have Made
You're not where you were. Even if you're not where you want to be yet, you've come so far.
You've:
Survived
Started healing
Broken some cycles
Gained awareness
Built tools
That counts. That matters. That's real progress, even if it doesn't feel dramatic or impressive or "done."
3. Practice Self-Compassion in the Struggle
Instead of "Why am I still dealing with this? What's wrong with me?"
Try: "Healing is hard. I'm doing the best I can. It's okay to still be working through this."
Instead of "I should be further along by now"
Try: "I'm exactly where I need to be in my journey."
Instead of "When will I finally be healed?"
Try: "I'm healing right now, in this moment, even when it doesn't feel like it."
4. Let Go of the Idea That Healing Has an Endpoint
Maybe there is no "completely healed." Maybe there's just "healing" an ongoing process, an active practice, a continuous becoming.
Maybe the goal isn't to arrive at some perfect state where we never struggle. Maybe the goal is to learn how to navigate the struggles with more grace, more tools, more self-compassion.
Maybe being in the messy middle isn't a problem to solve. Maybe it's just where we are. And that's okay.
And maybe part of being in the messy middle is continuing to learn about ourselves and our stories seeing things we couldn't see before, understanding patterns we didn't recognize, processing truths that were too big to hold earlier in our journey.
What I Want You to Take Away
If you're in the messy middle if you've done so much work but you're still struggling, if you've come so far but you're still not where you want to be, if you're tired of the journey and you don't know how much longer it's going to take, if you're discovering new things about your story that make everything more complicated I see you. And you're not alone.
The messy middle is real. It's valid. It's where most of us live most of the time. And there's nothing wrong with you for being there.
You don't have to be completely healed to be worthy of:
Love
Rest
Joy
Peace
You don't have to be "done" to be enough. You don't have to have it all figured out to be valuable.
You can be a work in progress and a masterpiece at the same time.
You're allowed to be:
Both healing and still hurting
Both growing and still struggling
Proud of how far you've come while acknowledging how hard it still is
Discovering new truths about your past even years into your healing
The messy middle is not a failure. It's not a sign that your healing isn't working or that you're doing it wrong.
It's just proof that:
You're doing the work
You're in the process
You're showing up for yourself even when it's hard
And that's everything.
What to Remember Right Now
So if you're in the messy middle right now, here's what I want you to remember:
You're not stuck. You're just in the middle. And the middle takes time.
You're not failing. You're healing. Even when it doesn't feel like it. Even when it's messy and uncomfortable and confusing. Even when you're seeing your story in new, more complicated ways.
You're not alone. So many of us are right here with you, doing the hard work, living in the in-between, figuring it out as we go.
And you're doing better than you think. Even on the days when it doesn't feel like it. Even when you can't see the progress. Even when you're tired and you want to give up. Even when you learn something new about your past that makes everything feel harder.
You're still here. You're still trying. You're still showing up for yourself.
That's healing. That's growth. That's transformation right here in the messy middle.
Celebrate Now
Don't wait until you're "completely healed" to acknowledge your progress. Don't wait until you have it all figured out to be proud of yourself. Don't wait until you reach some imaginary finish line to celebrate how far you've come.
Celebrate now. In the middle. In the mess.
Because this is where the real work is happening. This is where you're becoming who you're meant to be.
And that's worth honoring. That's worth celebrating. That's worth acknowledging right now, exactly as you are, right here in the messy middle.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for doing this work. Thank you for showing up, even when it's hard.
Listen to the full episode on the Beyond the Red House podcast wherever you get your podcasts.
Connect with me:
Instagram: @beyondtheredhouse
Read my memoir: I Was Once The Girl In The Red House
Write your story with support: The Trauma-Informed Publishing Blueprint
