The Narcissist Sandwich: How Toxic Parents Disguise Manipulation as Apologies
If you’ve ever had a conversation with a narcissist, you know the feeling the constant run-around, the gaslighting that makes you want to scream “I’m not crazy, you just said that!”
But there’s one manipulation tactic that took me years to recognize, and once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it. I call it the Narcissist Sandwich.
The Pattern I Couldn’t Ignore
For many years, my mother (who I’ve had no contact with for 13 years now) would send me emails. They stopped a few years ago, but for a long time, they followed the same format:
Layer 1: The Sweet Opening
- “I miss you so much.”
- Fake apologies and declarations of love
- Buttering you up and pulling at your heartstrings
Layer 2: The Victim Monologue
- Poor me, look how I’ve suffered
- Everyone else is mean to me
- I’m the real victim in this situation
Layer 3: The Cruel Ending
- Somehow, it was always my fault
- Blame, guilt, and manipulation
- The real message they wanted to deliver
The Moment It Clicked
I remember looking at one of these emails and thinking, “Did she even read this before sending it? It’s literally like a sandwich.”
After a while, I started laughing when these emails arrived. Once I noticed the pattern, I couldn’t unsee it. It was like she couldn’t help herself, she had to show her true colors by the end of every single message.
It’s Not Just My Mother
I realized this wasn’t unique to my mom when I thought about it more. Every conversation with a narcissist follows this same pattern.
They give you the run-around. They try to back you into a corner and make you feel like you’re losing your mind. The sandwich format is just one of their favorite tools:
- Hook you with something that sounds loving or apologetic
- Bury the manipulation in the middle
- End with blame to make sure you feel responsible
You’re Not Crazy
If you’re reading this and thinking “Oh my God, that’s exactly what my parent/partner/family member does,”I want you to know: You’re not crazy.
I see the pattern too. I see the gaslighting. I see how they make you question your own reality.
Going no contact helped me see everything much more clearly. When you’re not constantly defending yourself or trying to make sense of their contradictions, the patterns become obvious.
The Power of Naming It
There’s something incredibly healing about being able to name these manipulation tactics. When you can say “Oh, they’re giving me the narcissist sandwich again,” it takes away some of their power.
You stop taking the bait. You stop hoping this time will be different. You start protecting your peace instead of trying to make sense of their chaos.
If you want to learn more about my journey with my narcissistic mother and how going no contact changed my life, my book I Was Once The Girl In The Red House shares the full story of breaking free from generational trauma.
